Rooted

Thoughts on graduating, maturity, nursing, ministry, and the things that last: 

It's been a while since I've blogged. 2 years actually. I graduated nursing school almost 4 months ago, and tomorrow I will be beginning my fourth week at my job. I'm asked very regularly by excited faces how I'm liking my new job - I feel this expectation to be ecstatic and overflowing with joy that I've finally (after 6 1/2 years) graduated and am working as a nurse! And honestly, I'm happy. I like my job. But I feel far from blissful. And due to all the anticipation, I feel guilty about that - like my feelings are letting people down, people who have poured in time, money, energy, and support for me throughout school. It doesn't feel very good. To recognize your feelings aren't in line with your circumstances but have no power to change them. 

The root of it all? A growing desire to pour into people's souls because they are what lasts. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE that I am able to help people regain physical health because your body is the vessel in which you live. I'm sure I take it for granted since I am young and healthy. But the fact is, even if it enhances someone's life, I am fixing something that will be broken again. Ultimately I know that deep down I long to help people grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally because their soul will remain when their body has failed and is long gone. 

Let's rewind to a few months ago: someone on our worship team at church sent out an email notifying the team of a worship conference at MorningStar church, which is about 2 hours from where I live. Another team member replied back to everyone making us aware that there was a contest to win a free ticket. Some featured worship artists and speakers would include Misty Edwards, Banning Liebscher, Lou Engle, and Sarah McMillan to name a few. I entered the contest. Within the month I was notified that I had won a free ticket to attend! I strongly felt like the Lord had a purpose for me in attending especially since I was able to go for free. I requested off for work and was able to get the days off. Then a friend who had moved out of town notified us that he would be visiting that same week. That would mean I would work 3 - 12 hr shifts half the week and be gone the rest of the week while he was visiting. As disappointed as I was, I decided not to go to the conference so that we could visit. I didn't even tell him that I had won a free ticket though because I didn't want him to feel bad. Last week he was here to visit. At some point, the conference came up and he didn't know about it. He said something along the lines of, "Oh man, I would love to go hear Misty Edwards," to which I replied, "I actually have a free ticket." From there, he, my husband and I decided to go to the conference. I was so ecstatic that both of them were interested in going! We drove up the next day.

At the conference Banning spoke at both the first night session and the following morning. While I am fairly familiar with Jesus Culture and Bethel Church, I have not heard much of his teachings. But let me tell you, it was incredible! He spoke on maturity for one of the sessions. Banning also has a book out expanding on the topic called Rooted (which you should all go buy and read because it's amazing), and it goes through the life of David showing the different soils we must be planted in for God to develop us. I've heard over and over in church settings how you need a firm foundation before God will raise you up as a leader so that you are prepared, but it never actually clicked until this service. 

In the past few years what has been happening in my heart is that I have been growing and learning a lot spiritually and I honestly thought I was ready. I thought I was ready to be a leader - not that I wanted to have a full-time, paid ministry position or anything of that nature, but I thought I had arrived, matured enough. The problem with that is I am only at the beginning. I've only scratched the surface of learning to live life with God and know how to hear Him and have Him guiding me. That journey started for me only 4 years ago (although I've been a Christian since being a young child). In the past year, I have been growing my internal world to be one of stability, maturity, communicating with my Father God, and a place that has heart issues dealt with and not suppressed. And I thought that meant I figured it out. But this is the first step. This is only the beginning of living a full life that has deep roots. If you look at anyone in Scripture that people admire and refer to, Jesus, David, Abraham, Moses... they were developed for years. We're not talking 2 or 5 years, but sometimes decades. Why is this? God needed the base of their foundation to be wide enough to hold the tremendous plans He had for them. The things that David, Abraham, Jesus, and Moses did were bigger than 2 or 3 years worth of maturing. 

I am confident at this point in my life that the biggest dreams/aspirations I have for my life are only the smallest that God has planned for me. I am confident in that. He has shown me pictures and given me ideas of things I'd like to do that have already surpassed anything I've come up with in my own daydreaming. I want to see those come to fruition. I don't know how long it will be, but I know I do not want to compromise its potential by trying to take short cuts or use self-promotion to make it arrive faster. I want the person that people see me as to only be the tip of the iceberg of what is inside of me - the endurance, the strength, the trust in God, the maturity, the kindness, the love. I want what is seen on the outside to only be a fraction of what I actually possess on the inside. And truly grasping this will begin to bring contentment and joy for the season I'm in even if it's not where I'm headed. 

So to the readers, I pray blessing over your futures, the grace for contentment where you are, and the endurance and maturity to see God's wildest dreams for you come to pass! 
The years that feel so long now are only a blink of eternity and are worth investing and sacrificing for the sake of growing your soul which will continue on when you move from this life to the next. 

I choose people

I want to make a lifestyle of choosing people over tasks. I'm more of a type-A, task-oriented person and so I can get bogged down with my to-do list. I can become so blind to what's going on around me simply because I'm preoccupied with all the "things" I have to do. 

What are these "things" anyways? Studying, cleaning, laundry, bills, meetings... do any of these involve relationship? Some maybe. Some in a round-about way. But whether they do or they don't, I want to be able to say "no" to my to-do list when there people in front of me I can be loving on. 
*In saying all of this, it is with the underlying assumption that I am not negating commitments or responsibilities.*

I want to be able to say no to cleaning or doing laundry so that I can spend time with my husband and build a lasting relationship. It is the accumulation of day to day connection that will keep us strong. 
I want to be able to say no to studying and spend time with a friend who needs me. 
I want to say no to doing the dishes and taking my recycling so I can be involved in a church/community event. 
I want to say no to things so I can love on and be in relation with people. 

Relationship is where the life is - it is what God created us for! 
I don't want to starve or deprive myself of loving others or being loved by others simply because I can't say no to my to-do list. The to-do list will get done. Or it won't. And even if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. My life won't fall apart because I didn't complete everything I intended. But it will have joy, excitement, and love because of my choice to be present with people. 

I'm not there yet - but this is where I want to be. Sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I outright fail at choosing people over my to-do list, but I'm on the journey to where I want to be.

I want to live a life choosing people over things. 

Community

Today I was reading in Matthew 24 where Jesus is talking to the disciples about the future. In the closing of this chapter he states,

A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward. I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. But what if the servant is evil and thinks, 'My master won't be back for a while,' and he begins beating the other servants, partying, and getting drunk? The master will return unannounced and unexpected, and he will cut the servant to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. (Matthew 24:45-51, NLT)

The servants Jesus is referring to are the servants of Christ. The household they serve is the Kindgom of God, so the other servants He is referring to would be our brothers and sisters in Christ. Jesus is urging us to "manage" and "feed" the other household servants, our brothers and sisters in Christ. The community I am in now has given me an experience that I can relate this passage to. I've read it before, but overlooked it or didn't quite understand how simple yet important it is. 

When Jesus is speaking of the servant who is beating the other servants, my mind immediately goes to 1 John 4:20-21

If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see? And he has given us this command: Those who love God must also love their Christian brothers and sisters. (NLT, emphasis mine)

 Loving our Christian brothers and sisters isn't a feeling we have for them. It is an action we show towards them. 1 John 3:18, "Dear children, let's not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions." And God told us how we were to operate as a church family in Acts 2. The community of people in Acts shared money with those in need and "shared their meals with great joy and generosity," (v. 43-47) We can love each other in more than sharing money and food. If you don't have extra money, you can help those in need in your community by babysitting, cleaning their house, giving them clothes, changing the oil in their car... Whatever gift, talent, or tangible item you have, you can give it to someone else to bless them and that is a picture of what God is looking for. I think this is what Jesus was emphasizing in Matthew. We need to care for one another in whatever way we can. When we do this, we are taking care of God's servants and living in the design He created for community! 

Taking the Unexpected Route

Often times when I decide to go to God for some guidance, I have a preconceived idea about what He is going to say or what I subconsciously am hoping He'll say. Anyone out there on the same page? It's not that I want to want my own way - otherwise I wouldn't be seeking God's advice in the first place. It's just that I'm human. But, the key to all relationships, including that with our Heavenly Father, is communication. The key to knowing, seeking out, and discerning what God may or may not want me to do is talking with Him just like I would with my husband or best friend.

In Exodus 13-14, the Israelites are being led by Moses (through God's direction) out of Egypt. But, we're informed of an interesting point:

When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land. God said, "If the people are faced with a battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea. Thus the Israelites left Egypt like an army ready for battle.    Exodus 13:17-18 NLT

God didn't lead the Israelites along the shortest path or, in my application for modern terms, the path that looked the easiest and made the most sense. Why does God do this? Well, who knows. For many reasons. But, He did give us at least one. God explained that if the Israelites were faced with a battle, they may turn around. Because of fear, they may have turned around and chosen slavery over freedom when God had already promised to deliver them. Since God knows us intricately though and because He is gracious, He took them on a different route. It wasn't necessarily the expected route, the easier route, or route that made the most sense humanly, but God knew what would be best for the Israelites. God's plan for us doesn't always make sense to other people (or to us for that matter), and it may not be the shortest route to get from point A to point B. But, we can trust God to know what's best and to know what we need better than we do. 

There is also another reason why God may do this. In chapter 14 verse 3, the Lord tells Moses that by taking this route instead of the logical and shorter route, Pharaoh will be confused. 

Then the Lord gave these instructions to Moses: ... Then Pharaoh will think, "The Israelites are confused. They are trapped in the wilderness!"      Exodus 14:1,3

By taking the unexpected route, God gives the Israelites the advantage of confusing their enemy. 

For the next 10 or so verses (14:5-12) Pharaoh and his army decide to chase after the Israelites. They even began to overtake them as we see from verse 10. The Israelites begin to question Moses and his ability/plan, to which Moses replies,

Don't be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.     Exodus 14:13-14

My favorite part is God's response (especially in this particular translation): 

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving!"     Exodus 14:15

What I love about this response is that it demonstrates a balance between doing the unexpected when God says as well as doing what seems logical. The Egyptians were overtaking the Israelites, Moses in his humility was reassuring the Israelites that God would rescue them, and God just says, "Get moving!" To me, this passage just reinforces the fact that we need to always be listening for God's guidance. He may say, "Be still. I'll take care of this." Or, He may say, "Do something!" Either way, it's vital that we rely on and communicate with our Daddy who knows the best route for every circumstance, whether logical or unexpected.         

A Year of Testimonies

One year ago it seemed as if we were facing Mt. Everest.

When you make a 900 mile drive... twice... for vacation, which we recently did, it gives you a lot of thinking time. And since on our trip home hubby fell asleep for a couple hours, I had a good amount of time to reflect. God took me through memories of the past year and reminded me of all the little details that came together for us to get where we are today.

Last year at this time, I was trying to plan a wedding as well as figure out with my husband-to-be how we were going to move to South Carolina and get jobs. Beginning chronologically, when we got engaged, May 15, 2012, I had not found a summer job yet. Every year for the past 5 years, I had returned to my parents and worked at an ice cream shop. At this time living with my grandparents, having most of my friends in that area, and being newly engaged, I wanted to stay there for the summer. Having already been looking for jobs with no success, I was becoming quite discouraged. After only three days of being engaged, I was debating returning to my parents where I’d be far from my friends and far from my new fiancé, not exactly what I thought would be best for me, but I was beginning to get desperate. This day in particular the internet was out so I had gone to a McDonald’s parking lot to use the wireless internet for a few minutes. Being overwhelmed with discouragement, I was sitting there sobbing. Phone in my lap, without it ringing yet having service, my phone said I had a new voicemail. Odd enough as it was that it never rang, I listened to it. “Hi Sarah, this is ____. We had an interview the other day, and I think you’d be perfect for the position we’re hiring for. If you’re interested give me a call back.” I was in shock. At the perfect timing, God supplied me with a job that would suit my current circumstances. He is so good.

Also on our minds was how we planned on paying for the wedding. Since we got engaged semi-quickly, I didn’t want to expect anything from my parents or his. Jame and I chose right away to rely on the Lord and have a small backyard wedding if we had to, but, my parents generously helped to pay for our wedding! Deep down I had been praying God would provide money so I could have the wedding of my dreams , and He did! It was absolutely beautiful and perfect in every way. I loved our location. I loved my dress. I was so thankful for how many people were able to come and celebrate. I was thankful to be marrying my best friend. And like every girl should, I felt like a princess all day long.  We were able to have a gorgeous wedding and reception. God fulfilled the desires of my heart for my wedding day through my parents’ generosity.

In July, I made a new friend. This friend got me a job at a daycare. I had never worked at a daycare but I did have experience with children and desired to have a job in childcare. Although it seemed rather silly to me for them to hire me in July knowing that I’d be leaving in October, I was thankful and knew it was God’s grace that I received that job.

In August, we had a wonderful opportunity to meet our to-be pastors who we had only known through listening to their sermons on podcasts. They happened to be coming to Michigan for vacation and were able to get together. We trusted their teachings, Jameson’s sister had gone to a church they were former assistant pastors of, and we had been in email and telephone contact with them, but actually meeting them put a lot of anxiety to rest and they gave us tremendous encouragement.

We had begun the process of looking for apartments in late August or early September, but most required that you have a pay stub proving you had a job in the area. Obviously we could not provide that. (Besides the fact, we can’t get jobs without somewhere to live.) It seemed more and more difficult to find a home as well as more and more terrifying imaging moving without having a home. ­­­Towards the end of September, we decided to make a trip down to SC to visit the church and look for a home. Jameson had made some appointments and the week we were to leave, they all got cancelled. As imaginable, it was extremely discouraging. He prayed with a friend who encouraged us to take a step of faith and come down anyways. It would be good to visit the area before moving anyways. So, we continued with our trip as planned. We came down on a Friday. Since we were leaving Sunday night, we called around everywhere Saturday morning trying to get appointments. We got three! If you ask me, that’s a miracle in itself to get three tours last minute on a Saturday. On one specific tour we spoke with the landlord about our situation and explained we needed to know we’d have somewhere to live. By God’s grace, she told us she could rent us the townhouse, if we decided we wanted it, without running background checks first. She trusted us to be cleared. After discussing and praying, Sunday after church, we signed our first lease! What a relief. God gave us a home for when we were to move.

After the trip, we had about three weeks until our wedding. We finished working, hammering out details, and then we got hitched on October 19th! We went on a honeymoon to Isle of Palms, and yes, we swam in the ocean in October. After all, we were northerners in the south, so it was warm enough :) Since we didn’t have jobs lined up yet, it seemed scary trying to imagine how bills would get paid. Amazingly, God blessed us at our wedding with plenty of financial provision!

Not shortly after moving down (early November), Jameson got hired as a tile setter full-time and I was hired part-time at a daycare! I had searched for two weeks without any success of even getting an interview, then one day I took my resume to a daycare, she offered me an interview for the next morning, and the following day I was offered the job! It felt like God just dropped it right into my lap. And little did I know before moving, the resume I needed to get it was provided by working only 4 months at a daycare in Michigan. Also little did I know, it would be an amazing facility where I would be treated well and I would love working there.

To start wrapping up since this is getting long, I’ll briefly mention all the other blessings that have happened in the past 8 months. We were able to go home to Michigan for Christmas for an entire week, Jameson got a new job doing photography that isn't exhausting on his body and we see each other more, we were recently able to take a visit to Michigan while getting to attend my cousin’s wedding, AND I've been accepted to a nursing program down here. For those who didn't know, I was in a nursing program when we felt God tell us to move, and I did withdraw without knowing whether or not there would be a university near us or if I could get into another program. He knew all along there was a school here with a great nursing program!

In hindsight, it seemed like the past year wasn't that difficult, yet during all those times, they were some of the scariest times. God held our hands, walked with us, and provided every step of the way and still is. Never underestimate your Daddy’s love for you and His desire to provide and bless you!

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are?” 

Matthew 6:25-26

Older Brother Syndrome

I suffer from older brother syndrome. If you know me, yes, I'm an only child. I don't have any secret siblings. I'm referring to the older brother in the "Parable of the Prodigal Son" from Luke 15. I've heard tens of sermons preached on the prodigal son where the focus is the younger son who takes his inheritance and leaves. I'll be prompted towards the end of the sermon to evaluate my life and if I need to "come home." To be honest, most times I'm sitting there trying to make a case against myself how I've spiritually "run away" when I haven't. I've heard maybe a few sermons preached on the older brother. I just read a whole chapter of a book, Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost, that focuses on the older brother. Not that I can judge everyone's heart, but after reading it, I feel like more Christians and churches have older brother syndrome than younger brother syndrome, but he is never the brother of topic. So, I'm simply going to explain briefly a view at the concept of "Older Brother Syndrome" as presented in the book and my experience relating to it.

The first time we hear of the older brother in Luke 15 is in verse 25. He is working in the field. When he hears of what the cause is for the music and dancing, he becomes angry and doesn't go in to celebrate with his father and younger brother. How many times have we been bitter or jealous at someone else's success? I'm going to be transparent here, and it won't be pretty. I felt like that often through my teenage years and even into my early adulthood - if you know how old I am, yes, that was until very recently. In church, I felt this unspoken competitive spirit against other Christians in the church. Not always, but sometimes. I wasn't able to experience complete joy in my brothers' and sisters' successes because of where my heart was at. For example, if someone else became good at something I was also good at, it felt like a threat. It felt like a threat because I feared not being needed. I feared being replaced. I feared not being good enough. Why was this? Because I didn't understand how God's love worked. 
"There is nothing you can do to be loved by Him any more than you already are. And there is nothing you can do to lessen His love." 
I hadn't experienced that. I hadn't come to the understanding that it didn't matter what I did at church: God still loved me the same. He loved me the same if I went faithfully every Sunday, was part of the worship team, and served in the nursery, or if I came in once a month and was never involved. My performance does not change His feelings towards me. I can't make Him love me less by sinning and I can't make Him love me more by serving. His love is unconditional. Period. 

I never realized I was affected by the older brother syndrome until I recently read this chapter and looked back. I've compared how I operated in church 2 years ago to where I am today. Today, I can go to church and leave without serving, tithing... anything! And I don't feel guilty or condemned. I can go to church, serve in the nursery, bring my tithe, and know I'm not better than anyone else. I don't feel an obligation to be somewhere or do something anymore. Now when I serve or participate in an outreach, it is because I desire to. I want to. Another problem with older brother syndrome is that you subconsciously require of other people the standard you've put on yourself. When I was operating in performance mode, I felt as if I couldn't miss a church event. If I wasn't in class or at work, I felt obligated to go even if I had things to do like homework. I should plan ahead and do my homework some other time, right? I mean, after all, I'm only a "good" Christian if I'm at all the church events every time I'm free. Because of thinking this way, I put pressure on others to do the same. I would enthusiastically invite others, not that there wasn't any sincere joy and excitement, but then internally be disappointed or judgmental if they couldn't make it. Performance and law don't leave room for "I'm busy" or "I just need to stay home and rest today." They require perfection and leave no room for grace. 

As I'm still recovering from older brother syndrome and learning to operate out of sincere love and desire that overflows from my relationship with God, I have to make sure I examine my motives simply to make sure I am operating out of love rather than obligation. I have to put aside insecurity and the fear that I will be judged for not going to a church event. Thankfully, I'm blessed to be in a church environment where I know I'm not being judged at all . This allows me to live freely, and when you live freely, there is joy in doing. 

Maturity in Relationships

I can say no to God. He can say no to me. And we can still love each other the same. No, I'm not recommending disobedience. I'm trying to express this new found freedom in relationship. We've all heard that we should have relationship with God, but how many people actually operate out of that? I'd guess not very many. Instead we pray to God as if we're reading off a checklist and He's some distant person that we owe for giving us salvation. But, we don't operate this way because we want to. We just don't know another way. 

Recently I've been reading the book Boundaries by Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend, and today I read a chapter that talks about boundaries between myself and God. It was enlightening and thought-provoking. They presented the same idea I did above (except more intellectually and thoroughly). We are in relationship with God. Now, some of our conflicts in relationship with Him have more than likely come from imperfect human relations. For example, if we have experienced, whether one deeply impacting instance or a culture of encounters, abandonment or punishment when we expressed our "no" to someone, we will naturally be fearful of telling God no simply because we'll assume subconsciously that God will either abandon us, or He'll punish us for saying no. God will do neither of these. As I said before, I'm not condoning disobedience, we can rest assured if we tell God "no" about something, He's promised "I will never leave you, nor forsake you," and He won't punish us. Unfortunately, most of us have experienced someone who has withdrawn their love or the relationship entirely when we expressed our boundaries through telling them "no." And as a result, we've falsely attributed that characteristic to God: that He will leave us and not be our Friend or Father if we tell Him no. While it's true He won't leave or punish us, I do believe He'll let us deal with the consequences of our decision whether good or bad. One example the authors gave of this was the prodigal son. His father gave him his inheritance, respected his "no", let him suffer the consequences of his decision, but lovingly welcomed him home when he returned. This son was honest with his father, and his father respected that. On the other hand, the other son said yes to his father, but it is clear that his heart said no because he was angry. He was dishonest with his father rather than being sincere in expressing how he truly felt. Honesty is always the best policy in relationship. 

On the flip side, God is allowed to tell us no. He told Jesus no when Jesus asked if there was any other way for Him to die and bring salvation to the world. When God tells us no, we need the maturity, as in any relationship, to accept His boundary and yet not become angry with Him. He has the right, as well as we all do, to say no and draw a line for Himself. 

I could go on and on about this concept. There is so much freedom in relationship when people (or God) have the maturity to accept no and say no. It brings life and security to the friendship. If you can't say no, I'd encourage you to practice. If you can't accept no from someone, I'd encourage you to work on that also. Life is a process, and I'm still learning and growing in both!