"I'll embrace dreams again when I can breathe again, and at that point, I won't be needing them."
God's Will... an interesting discussion I've had countless times. And before you tune my opinions or questions out because you think you have God all "figured out", have an open mind to my free-flowing thoughts; they are not my set-in-stone beliefs or doctrines. Although God reveals His character through His Word, don't be so quick to put Him in a box and think you have Him all figured out. God is exponentially larger, more powerful, more knowledgeable, more loving, and more Divine than you and I can comprehend or dare to imagine.
For some background information, and this will get quite lengthy, my senior year I was undecided about where I would attend college until I was almost graduated. I had it narrowed down to Free Will Baptist Bible College (Nashville, TN) and Liberty University (Lynchburg, VA): two very different, besides being Christian, schools. One very small, the other quite large; one strict, one with more freedom; one free will baptist, one derived from southern baptist beliefs. Through my struggle to choose, I finally felt confident saying I would be a Liberty University student. But there was one problem... somewhere along the lines of filling out financial aid and housing arrangements, I realized how uneasy I felt about my decision. So of course I took it to my Heavenly Father in prayer before letting anyone know I had doubts. I asked for a specific (not something specific that I came up with, but a specific sign) sign... one that I couldn't overlook or be oblivious to knowing it was God giving me direction. At my cousin's graduation party, a man (well, a distant relative I had never met) came up to me and said something very similar to "I heard you may move to Nashville, TN. I've lived there and I think you should go if you have the chance because you'd really love it there." To some that may seem silly, but it was clear as day to me that God was telling me I should go to FWBBC and not LU. So I went.
Towards the end of my freshman year at FWBBC, I didn't know where I'd attend the following year. I finally made it official that I wanted to do nursing. So now what? Stay with FWBBC's nursing program and transfer to Belmont? Transfer to a different school in the area? Go back to MI? Go to Liberty? I had no clue. I prayed and prayed; I talked to many people whose advice I trusted, yet I still felt no direction. This led me to change my belief on something I felt I'd been taught my whole life: (in a loud, deep, Heavenly voice) "Sarah, you must find God's Will for your life or you will have messed up your whole life!" ... as if it were this one path of thousands and I had to try and find it. No one ever specifically said this to me, it just felt like it's what I was taught my whole life.
After going through this frustrating battle of where to go to college yet again, I believe God revealed to me one of the most important lessons I've learned: while God does have a plan, purpose, and will for our lives, I refuse to believe it is one absolute path where we must pick the "right way" in every decision or we fail at following God's Will and ultimately, fail at finding our purpose in life. Obviously I believe if the Holy Spirit is telling you not to go one direction and you take that path that you are disobeying Him, and I believe if He is calling you specifically somewhere and you don't go that you are being disobedient, but if neither of those are true, I think you will be in "God's Will" if you're seeking Him wholeheartedly and serving where He has placed you in the present. I know some will disagree with me, and that is okay. But just to be clear, I am not saying at all that God doesn't have a Will for our lives, and I am not saying we can go wherever we think He wants us. But when I am unsure of the direction my life should be going and I feel no guidance, I put my hope in Jeremiah 29:13 "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
Now to my present day internal battle for God's Will for my life.... I was just accepted into U of M - Flint's nursing program, and I will start in the fall. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited and am so happy I got in. But I can't help but wonder if I'm going the right direction. While I've specifically told very few (and am even nervous to share now), some may have noticed music is my passion. As far as I know of myself, it is my number one passion. Yeah, it is a very common passion for people; lots of people love music and many more people are far more talented than I. I just wonder though, how did I choose nursing or feel led to it? Did God really lead me to that decision? Was it the easiest path so I took it? Did I subconsciously choose that career so I could live a safe, average, American life to have job security, get married, have a family, and help out at my church? Did God give me a love of people and a science/math brain, as opposed to a history or english brain, so that I would be led to nursing because it actually is His plan for my life? I have no clue...
Is it possible I'm scared to step out in faith and surrender my life completely so I just make myself believe His purpose for me is to be a nurse? I'm not saying that's impossible...
If everyone were 100% surrendered to Him, would He lead us all to a ministry that would be our career? It's possible, but probably not. God made us all different. I'm sure He designed some people to have a job, raise a family, and be a light to those surrounding them. And this is not at all degrading them, because we need many people to live those lives since that is what the majority of other Americans do and then we can interact with them. Even though some may treat these people as if they are inferior, they are not any less important than a pastor, worship leader, or missionary. Yes they're leaders and will be held accountable for their teachings, but we tend to put them on a pedestal.
So if I am doing nursing, how do I know I shouldn't be doing something with music which is where my passion is? Did God give me the desire to do that so I'd use it? I have a passion for nursing also, but music has always been my top desire and love. Can either path be God's Will if He hasn't led me towards or away from one specifically? And if I convince myself God's Will is for me to do music, will I know if that is just my own selfishness for what I want disguised as me following "God's Will"? Is music just a silly, childhood dream that I want to chase?
I have no answers, just a heart abandoned to His Will for my life but is battling the urge to do what will make me happy and trying to discover what is actually His Will rather than my will disguised as one much greater.
