Thoughts on graduating, maturity, nursing, ministry, and the things that last:
It's been a while since I've blogged. 2 years actually. I graduated nursing school almost 4 months ago, and tomorrow I will be beginning my fourth week at my job. I'm asked very regularly by excited faces how I'm liking my new job - I feel this expectation to be ecstatic and overflowing with joy that I've finally (after 6 1/2 years) graduated and am working as a nurse! And honestly, I'm happy. I like my job. But I feel far from blissful. And due to all the anticipation, I feel guilty about that - like my feelings are letting people down, people who have poured in time, money, energy, and support for me throughout school. It doesn't feel very good. To recognize your feelings aren't in line with your circumstances but have no power to change them.
The root of it all? A growing desire to pour into people's souls because they are what lasts. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE that I am able to help people regain physical health because your body is the vessel in which you live. I'm sure I take it for granted since I am young and healthy. But the fact is, even if it enhances someone's life, I am fixing something that will be broken again. Ultimately I know that deep down I long to help people grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally because their soul will remain when their body has failed and is long gone.
Let's rewind to a few months ago: someone on our worship team at church sent out an email notifying the team of a worship conference at MorningStar church, which is about 2 hours from where I live. Another team member replied back to everyone making us aware that there was a contest to win a free ticket. Some featured worship artists and speakers would include Misty Edwards, Banning Liebscher, Lou Engle, and Sarah McMillan to name a few. I entered the contest. Within the month I was notified that I had won a free ticket to attend! I strongly felt like the Lord had a purpose for me in attending especially since I was able to go for free. I requested off for work and was able to get the days off. Then a friend who had moved out of town notified us that he would be visiting that same week. That would mean I would work 3 - 12 hr shifts half the week and be gone the rest of the week while he was visiting. As disappointed as I was, I decided not to go to the conference so that we could visit. I didn't even tell him that I had won a free ticket though because I didn't want him to feel bad. Last week he was here to visit. At some point, the conference came up and he didn't know about it. He said something along the lines of, "Oh man, I would love to go hear Misty Edwards," to which I replied, "I actually have a free ticket." From there, he, my husband and I decided to go to the conference. I was so ecstatic that both of them were interested in going! We drove up the next day.
At the conference Banning spoke at both the first night session and the following morning. While I am fairly familiar with Jesus Culture and Bethel Church, I have not heard much of his teachings. But let me tell you, it was incredible! He spoke on maturity for one of the sessions. Banning also has a book out expanding on the topic called Rooted (which you should all go buy and read because it's amazing), and it goes through the life of David showing the different soils we must be planted in for God to develop us. I've heard over and over in church settings how you need a firm foundation before God will raise you up as a leader so that you are prepared, but it never actually clicked until this service.
In the past few years what has been happening in my heart is that I have been growing and learning a lot spiritually and I honestly thought I was ready. I thought I was ready to be a leader - not that I wanted to have a full-time, paid ministry position or anything of that nature, but I thought I had arrived, matured enough. The problem with that is I am only at the beginning. I've only scratched the surface of learning to live life with God and know how to hear Him and have Him guiding me. That journey started for me only 4 years ago (although I've been a Christian since being a young child). In the past year, I have been growing my internal world to be one of stability, maturity, communicating with my Father God, and a place that has heart issues dealt with and not suppressed. And I thought that meant I figured it out. But this is the first step. This is only the beginning of living a full life that has deep roots. If you look at anyone in Scripture that people admire and refer to, Jesus, David, Abraham, Moses... they were developed for years. We're not talking 2 or 5 years, but sometimes decades. Why is this? God needed the base of their foundation to be wide enough to hold the tremendous plans He had for them. The things that David, Abraham, Jesus, and Moses did were bigger than 2 or 3 years worth of maturing.
I am confident at this point in my life that the biggest dreams/aspirations I have for my life are only the smallest that God has planned for me. I am confident in that. He has shown me pictures and given me ideas of things I'd like to do that have already surpassed anything I've come up with in my own daydreaming. I want to see those come to fruition. I don't know how long it will be, but I know I do not want to compromise its potential by trying to take short cuts or use self-promotion to make it arrive faster. I want the person that people see me as to only be the tip of the iceberg of what is inside of me - the endurance, the strength, the trust in God, the maturity, the kindness, the love. I want what is seen on the outside to only be a fraction of what I actually possess on the inside. And truly grasping this will begin to bring contentment and joy for the season I'm in even if it's not where I'm headed.
So to the readers, I pray blessing over your futures, the grace for contentment where you are, and the endurance and maturity to see God's wildest dreams for you come to pass!
The years that feel so long now are only a blink of eternity and are worth investing and sacrificing for the sake of growing your soul which will continue on when you move from this life to the next.
