Refusing To Be Defeated By An Attack

It’s comical how dramatic we can be about life.

“Woe is me because school is hard and Satan attacks me occasionally.”

 I’m sure many know the story of Job. In just the first chapter, Satan kills all his animals, burns his sheep and shepherds, steals his camels, kills his servants, and killed all his children. Sounds like a pretty literal fulfillment of John 10:10, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.” In response as stated in Job 1:20, Job fell to the ground and worshipped God. He said, “The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!”

I wish I had that attitude all the time. But to be honest, pride gets in the way and I convince myself (or Satan convinces me of a lie) that I deserve what I have and that God doesn’t have the right to take it away. He certainly does though. He created me and He sustains me, so He may do what He wishes and whether I like it or not, I can't object. God is in control even when I try to be.

Having said that, I know God is in control now even when Satan attacks me. Just like in Job, God knows what my response will be. God is more powerful than Satan; He must give Satan permission to do anything to me because I am a child of God. Also, I need to keep my eyes open for the ways God will provide for me.

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure” 1 Corinthians 10:13

I am so thankful God will provide a way out of temptation. All I need to do is trust Him and look for that open door. 

I’ve also realized my personality is similar to Job’s based on what Eliphaz says to Job in 4:3-5, “In the past you have encouraged many people; you have strengthened those who were weak. Your words have supported those who were falling; you encouraged those with shaky knees. But now when trouble strikes, you lose heart. You are terrified when it touches you.” It’s scary to admit, but I’m very much like that. I feel I can be a great encouragement to others and remind them that God is in control, but when it comes to me, oh boy. And most people are like that. But why do we do that? We say one thing and when it comes to us we behave in another as if what we say to encourage others doesn’t apply to us.

God is currently teaching me that when Satan attacks me, I have the power through Christ to command him to leave; he is NOT allowed to control me. It’s a very difficult lesson to learn because I have to put my confidence in God into practice. When I feel my weakest, I have to tell Satan I am stronger because of Christ. And lately, situations have been arising where I have been able to learn the lesson God has been teaching me. He’s not just telling me, but I’m having opportunities for application. While I may feel defeated, I know I’m not.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

My Current Quest

*This is going to be very vague just for the purpose of length.*

God has really been teaching me this semester about trusting in Him. And I don't mean that lightly. He has humbled me, taken away my pride, and caused me to trust in nothing but Himself even to the point of having peace that if I am not "successful", it is okay because life here is temporary. I've been really struggling in how to handle my life and how to balance it. What things do I "give up" or stop doing when I can't seem to handle them all, but yet they all seem so important to me and are a way I serve God? I've been torn. Luckily, God knows that. He knows I haven't been able to give anything up even though I can't handle it all. And because of that, He is providing an out for me. I'm so thankful that God will provide for us. I'm so thankful that when we can't do things on our own but are striving to serve Him, that He will provide the means we need to get through it. I hope this makes sense without the details included. 

God is literally making me stop doing something. I didn't choose it; I didn't feel a peace about "quitting" something I'm a part of. I literally will not be able to fit each thing I've done this semester into next semester. And that is a blessing in disguise. To me, it is God saying, "It's okay, I've got this. I know you feel like you can't hear me or feel me leading, so I will show you what to give up by making it to where you can't do it." I am so thankful for His intervention in my life at this point. I can't even explain it. 

I'm not even sure the point of this blog besides that fact that I am overwhelmed that I don't have to try and figure out what I'm supposed to do. God is just setting it up to where I don't have to pick. Instead, it will be impossible for me to be a part of a certain group. Hopefully this will just be an encouragement to you that God will make a way for you to do His will if you're striving and can't seem to figure it out on your own. He will never punish or ignore a seeking heart. 

I love all who love me. Those who search will surely find me. Proverbs 8:17

'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.' Jeremiah 29:11-13

Our Weakness, His Power.

Paul writing:

...So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.          2 Corinthians 12:7-10 NLT

     Can you relate to Paul at all? Have you ever, even once in your life, asked God to take away something that was painful? It's the most natural response to something hurtful, uncomfortable, or painful: we want it gone, and we want it gone now. But, God didn't just grant Paul's wish and remove this thorn. Instead, He gave Paul a new perspective of it which was for His glory. 
     Let's be real. I don't know about others, but I know that the first thing that comes to mind when I have a "thorn in my flesh" isn't, "God, thank you for this weakness so you may be glorified!" It's usually, "God, why?", or "Will you please take this away?" And I'm ashamed to say, even after I may have realized my bad attitude towards a particular situation, I still can't say with confidence that I always search for a way to make God known in my weakness. It's a pride issue. No one wants to be weak. No one wants to be seen when they're feeling weak. And lately, God has been teaching me to let go of that pride I have in myself and instead boast in Him alone. 
     Another observation I wanted to point out is just how quickly Paul's attitude does change. The verse after God tells Paul that His grace is sufficient (v.9), Paul says he is now glad to boast in weaknesses. I am not that quick of a learner. When God is teaching me a lesson, it usually takes a long time for me to learn it with multiple situations to reinforce. But, I am thankful that with a searching and willing heart, God will continue to teach us and transform us. 


     This isn't very theological or in-depth, but I hope it is an encouragement to let God use your weakest moments for His power to shine. I want my attitude at my next moment of weakness to be, "God, please show your grace through this situation, and give me strength that only you can take credit for." After all, if He created us, any strength we have is from Him in the first place. So why are we boasting in anything but Him? 

 

Suck It Up and Do It

I've realized I pity myself far too often, as well as many others do I'm sure. But, I don't want to focus on others when I'm only accountable for myself.


I find myself thinking, "Life is so hard." Hello? I'm 20. My parents are together, they help me pay for school, my grandparents are living and kind enough to let me live with them during the school year so my commute isn't so far, I have great friends, my health is good, what in the world do I have to complain about?
Part of this self-pity has to do with relativity. Comparative to others' lives, my life has been fairly "easy" without any struggles. At least that's what other people would see it as, and I would have to agree although my life has been far from perfect. But that doesn't mean I haven't been blessed. No one can expect their life to be perfect. But anyways, in relation to growing up and having an "easy" life, I tend to get overwhelmed easily I've realized. I used to think I could handle a lot going on at a time, but I've become a little less prideful and admitted I actually can't deal with as much going on at once as most people can. Last year during school I worked 5-10 hours a week, had 14 credit hours (granted, 7 hours of lab a week with those classes), and at times, I felt like I could die from stress. And most people would look at me and respond with, "Suck it up", which I would not be offended by.
And I guess I have no where I am heading with this blog, I just wanted to share a new perspective I've had. Part of it being that I start the nursing program this semester, and to be honest, I am terrified. It will be hard; I will probably cry; some concepts I will not understand; I may need to get extra help; I may need to sacrifice fun time to study more, but isn't this what I signed up for? Why would I complain when there are people heartbroken because they couldn't get in the program? I am blessed. I have such a great learning opportunity, and I'm very fortunate to have gotten accepted. But I have been choosing to ignore that and instead complain about how hard it will be. Suck it up and do it. If I don't want to do it, I don't have to. I could easily just quite and pick a different major. But, I would consider that as a failure. Not because I chose a different path, but because I let the degree of difficulty persuade me.
I hear people say, and I have said as well, regarding a school year, "I'm going to die this semester." I could scream at myself for saying that. Really? Could we be more dramatic? I'm pretty sure no one has ever died from school being hard. Quite the opposite... I have never not seen growth after a hard school semester. So shouldn't we count that as a blessing? Such ironic beings we are.... wanting wisdom, and strength, and knowledge, and skills, yet not wanting to do anything to attain them.


I hope this has maybe opened eyes to evaluating how you view things, and hopefully it will encourage you to make the best of everything difficult in life that comes your way.
Obviously this won't keep me from complaining, but the more aware I am that I do it for no reason, and the more people that can point out when I'm dramatic and encourage me to see it as a blessing, the better I will become at making the best of all difficulties I'm faced with.

Living by the Spirit's Power

Today, I read Galatians during my personal Bible study time. (As a side note, I've really been enjoying and learning a lot from reading a whole book of the Bible at a time; you should try it.) Galatians isn't too long, 6 chapters. But a certain set of verses stuck out to me more than the rest of the book. 

So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. -Galatians 5:16-18 NLT

I was "saved" (accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord) at the age of 7. Did I actually understand the fullness and depth of that commitment? Of course not. But I accepted it and wanted to live for Christ as much as my 7 year old heart and mind knew how. And somewhere between that commitment and where I am now in my spiritual walk, it became a deeper commitment. 
Around the ages of 13-16 though, I think I was caught in the middle of my commitments to Christ. I was smarter and had a better understanding than when I was 7, but I don't think I was Spirit-filled. And I say that because my decisions and my thinking during those ages were that of trying not to do wrong rather than please God. I had heard someone preach (I don't actually remember who), and they made a brief comment about we all sin everyday. That bothered me. Because I would lay down in my bed at night and think, "God, I didn't lie today, I obeyed my parents, I was nice to my friends, so what was my sin today?" 
Granted I was only a preteen, I was trying to live by a law rather than filled with the Spirit. Of course, I didn't understand the difference quite yet. But anyways, I was stuck on the list of "don'ts". This is just a tiny example that came to my mind when I read this passage about living in the Spirit. Not to say I'm anywhere near perfect now, and I definitely can always be learning, but as I look back, today is different than those years of my life because I'm no longer stuck on "What am I supposed to not do?" As I live out my life day-to-day, I focus on "Is this pleasing to God?" This mentality sure does take off a burden. Maybe God had something going when He gave us the Spirit to guide our lives. 

When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. -Galatians 5:19-21 NLT

WOW! That to me is harsh. and scary. Because I think of myself as well as others who commit these sins quite often yet are "Christians". It just shows the importance of living a Holy Spirit driven life. If we strive to please God, the Spirit will give us the power and desire to stay away from these sins that lead to destruction. 

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit's leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another. -Galatians 5:22-26 NLT

 Be thankful you live in the days of the Holy Spirit and not the days where we would be slave to the law. Take advantage that we can have the Holy Spirit every second of every day.


Jesus speaking: "But now I am going away to the One who sent me, and not one of you is asking where I am going. Instead, you grieve because of what I've told you. But in fact, it is best for you that I go away, because if I don't, the Advocate [Holy Spirit] won't come. If I do go away, then I will send him to you." John 16:5-7 NLT

 

The Hall and The Rooms

So I have started reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Although I am not very far into it, I read something I thought worthy of sharing.

I hope no reader will suppose that 'mere' Christianity is here put forward as an alternative to the creeds of the existing communions -- as if a man could adopt it in preference to Congregationalism or Greek Orthodoxy or anything else. It is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted. But it is in the rooms, not the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. For that purpose the worst of the rooms (whichever that may be) is, I think, preferable. It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping. You must keep on praying for light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one; not which pleases you best by its paint and panelling. In plain language, the question should never be: 'Do I like that kind of service?' but 'Are these doctrines true: Is holiness here? Does my conscience move me towards this? Is my reluctance to knock at this door due to my pride, or my mere taste, or my personal dislike of this particular door-keeper?'

When you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall. If they are wrong they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you are under orders to pray for them. That is one of the rules common to the whole house. 1

We too often divide ourselves based on our differences rather than uniting because of our commonalities. Personally, I feel God is probably deeply disappointed in our bickering and arguing. Lewis makes another point that I think is extremely important to take note of:

In the first place, the questions which divide Christians from one another often involve points of high Theology or even of ecclesiastical history, which ought never to be treated except by real experts. I should have been out of my depth in such waters: more in need of help myself than able to help others. And secondly, I think we must admit that the discussion of these disputed points has no tendency at all to bring an outsider into the Christian fold. So long as we write and talk about them we are much more likely to deter him from entering any Christian communion than to draw him into our own. Our divisions should never be discussed except in the presence of those who have already come to believe that there is one God and that Jesus Christ is His only Son. 2 

Let us be obedient to the Word of our Heavenly Father; Jesus encourages us to share with those who are in need of the Gospel and who know they are sinners: Mark 2:17 "When Jesus heard this, he told them, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.'"
I have been learning that I can do nothing more than pray for those who claim to be "Christians" but do not live as if their lives are in the hands of our Creator. No matter how strong my words, how gentle my attitude towards them, a self-righteous person, someone following their own desires, will not listen to me nor hear others trying to teach and encourage them unless God softens their heart. So how do I respond to such discouragement? Pray for God to do what I cannot; and while praying, invest my time in those who know they are sinners and need Christ.

I have decided to give of myself to those who will receive what God is giving through me. And I will encourage those who are already faithful servants to our Lord, Jesus Christ.

"Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works." Hebrews 10:24

 

1 Lewis, C.S. Mere Christianity. HarperOne: New York, NY. 1952. pages XV-XVI. 
2 Lewis, C.S. Mere Christianity.pages VIII-IX. 

Loneliness

We've all been there.
I've never heard anyone say that they have never felt lonely even once in their life. It's something that sadly everyone has experienced.
But I believe it's getting worse and more widespread.
We're all slowly slipping away and I feel like there's one major contributor: technology.

While it is great and can be wonderful when not used in overload, it causes us to distance ourselves. We don't even notice though because we still talk to people on Facebook; we still get Twitter updates from friends every 10 minutes; we still text friends all day long. But we are talking to something inanimate. We have no connection when it's over electronics. Even if mentally we are talking to a friend, emotionally it feels like there's no one there.

Obviously technology is not "bad". I use Facebook all the time, and I text probably more than necessary. But let's get back to spending real time with people.

The more you're with someone, the more open you become. Let's get real with one another; let's share our struggles and joys; let's laugh and cry together: in person.

No more hiding behind an electronic icon of someone desperately crying out for someone to notice and care. I'm tired of watching the number of people who are lonely rise exponentially.

Take the initiative. No more pity parties for being lonely when there's a phone right next to you and 100 other people who are feeling the same way.

Call me. And instead of playing Words With Friends all day, let's cry together over our heartbreaks and then go play frisbee.

I'll Embrace Dreams Again When I Can Breathe Again.

"I'll embrace dreams again when I can breathe again, and at that point, I won't be needing them."

     God's Will... an interesting discussion I've had countless times. And before you tune my opinions or questions out because you think you have God all "figured out", have an open mind to my free-flowing thoughts; they are not my set-in-stone beliefs or doctrines. Although God reveals His character through His Word, don't be so quick to put Him in a box and think you have Him all figured out. God is exponentially larger, more powerful, more knowledgeable, more loving, and more Divine than you and I can comprehend or dare to imagine.
     For some background information, and this will get quite lengthy, my senior year I was undecided about where I would attend college until I was almost graduated. I had it narrowed down to Free Will Baptist Bible College (Nashville, TN) and Liberty University (Lynchburg, VA): two very different, besides being Christian, schools. One very small, the other quite large; one strict, one with more freedom; one free will baptist, one derived from southern baptist beliefs. Through my struggle to choose, I finally felt confident saying I would be a Liberty University student. But there was one problem... somewhere along the lines of filling out financial aid and housing arrangements, I realized how uneasy I felt about my decision. So of course I took it to my Heavenly Father in prayer before letting anyone know I had doubts. I asked for a specific (not something specific that I came up with, but a specific sign) sign... one that I couldn't overlook or be oblivious to knowing it was God giving me direction. At my cousin's graduation party, a man (well, a distant relative I had never met) came up to me and said something very similar to "I heard you may move to Nashville, TN. I've lived there and I think you should go if you have the chance because you'd really love it there." To some that may seem silly, but it was clear as day to me that God was telling me I should go to FWBBC and not LU. So I went.
     Towards the end of my freshman year at FWBBC, I didn't know where I'd attend the following year. I finally made it official that I wanted to do nursing. So now what? Stay with FWBBC's nursing program and transfer to Belmont? Transfer to a different school in the area? Go back to MI? Go to Liberty? I had no clue. I prayed and prayed; I talked to many people whose advice I trusted, yet I still felt no direction. This led me to change my belief on something I felt I'd been taught my whole life: (in a loud, deep, Heavenly voice) "Sarah, you  must find God's Will for your life or you will have messed up your whole life!" ... as if it were this one path of thousands and I had to try and find it. No one ever specifically said this to me, it just felt like it's what I was taught my whole life.
     After going through this frustrating battle of where to go to college yet again, I believe God revealed to me one of the most important lessons I've learned: while God does have a plan, purpose, and will for our lives, I refuse to believe it is one absolute path where we must pick the "right way" in every decision or we fail at following God's Will and ultimately, fail at finding our purpose in life. Obviously I believe if the Holy Spirit is telling you not to go one direction and you take that path that you are disobeying Him, and I believe if He is calling you specifically somewhere and you don't go that you are being disobedient, but if neither of those are true, I think you will be in "God's Will" if you're seeking Him wholeheartedly and serving where He has placed you in the present. I know some will disagree with me, and that is okay. But just to be clear, I am not saying at all that God doesn't have a Will for our lives, and I am not saying we can go wherever we think He wants us. But when I am unsure of the direction my life should be going and I feel no guidance, I put my hope in Jeremiah 29:13 "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me."
     Now to my present day internal battle for God's Will for my life.... I was just accepted into U of M - Flint's nursing program, and I will start in the fall. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited and am so happy I got in. But I can't help but wonder if I'm going the right direction. While I've specifically told very few (and am even nervous to share now), some may have noticed music is my passion. As far as I know of myself, it is my number one passion. Yeah, it is a very common passion for people; lots of people love music and many more people are far more talented than I. I just wonder though, how did I choose nursing or feel led to it? Did God really lead me to that decision? Was it the easiest path so I took it? Did I subconsciously choose that career so I could live a safe, average, American life to have job security, get married, have a family, and help out at my church? Did God give me a love of people and a science/math brain, as opposed to a history or english brain, so that I would be led to nursing because it actually is His plan for my life? I have no clue...
     Is it possible I'm scared to step out in faith and surrender my life completely so I just make myself believe His purpose for me is to be a nurse? I'm not saying that's impossible...
     If everyone were 100% surrendered to Him, would He lead us all to a ministry that would be our career? It's possible, but probably not. God made us all different. I'm sure He designed some people to have a job, raise a family, and be a light to those surrounding them. And this is not at all degrading them, because we need many people to live those lives since that is what the majority of other Americans do and then we can interact with them. Even though some may treat these people as if they are inferior, they are not any less important than a pastor, worship leader, or missionary. Yes they're leaders and will be held accountable for their teachings, but we tend to put them on a pedestal.
     So if I am doing nursing, how do I know I shouldn't be doing something with music which is where my passion is? Did God give me the desire to do that so I'd use it? I have a passion for nursing also, but music has always been my top desire and love. Can either path be God's Will if He hasn't led me towards or away from one specifically? And if I convince myself God's Will is for me to do music, will I know if that is just my own selfishness for what I want disguised as me following "God's Will"? Is music just a silly, childhood dream that I want to chase?
     I have no answers, just a heart abandoned to His Will for my life but is battling the urge to do what will make me happy and trying to discover what is actually His Will rather than my will disguised as one much greater.

Rebellion from Ignorance

Where do I begin?
My emotions pouring out faster than my hand can pen out.
How did we get here? And why did this happen?
And will I be forced to live with failure...

Church. My second home.
The one I've grown up in; the only one I know.
And to see it going this way...
But you see, this is not the result of trauma or a sudden conflict. It has been a gradual enemy tearing us down.

Unlike the others, I haven't been blind.
I've been praying all along. For help. For strength. For a change in hearts. For revival.
And now when I go to God with a broken heart, I am speechless. Because I've nothing more to say.

I feel overwhelmed. powerless. helpless. weak. afraid.
But I can not seem to make myself give up.
I will continue to go to my Father even if when I open my mouth out of pain, no words come out.
I will rely on Him when my faith for change is running dry.

I've done all I can see to do that my poor, weak body is capable of.
And what are the results?
None.

Without any pride involved, I cannot yet leave.
For in the humblest way, I feel I give and give until I can give no more.
But I will find a way to push myself a step further, while I die from starvation.
Yes. The place I should go to be filled leaves me empty, hungry, desperate.
But I will not go because I refuse to lose hope when this place belongs to the Almighty Creator.

Overwhelmed. Burdened. Exhausted.
I will not give up. I will continue to reach my hands out in desperation.
For my God saves, heals, renews, and restores.

I plead for others to join me in this rebellion from ignorance.
But I am left alone.
I cry for help for others to give and serve.
But I am left alone.
I scream for anyone to hear me and acknowledge this tragedy.
But they turn away.
I am left alone.

And from the depths of my heart, I fight the urge to join the crowd and walk away.
What an easy path to take...
To be blind to it all; I refuse.

Somehow, I pray God will use me to turn it all around: my helpless, insignificant, with-little-to-offer self.
I will give all I have. and then some.
Because this is not just my childhood, or a tradition, or my pride.
This is the my Father's house. To reach out to the lost.
And if it dies, what will remain besides ashes and souls looking for a savior?

Even when they turn their backs, when they choose ignorance, when they call me crazy:
I will pray for a change in the collective heart in this 'body of Christ'.
Even if I stand alone.
Even if I cry alone.
My God will wipe away  my tears.

So this is me.
My burden. My heart.
And with God as the only source of strength within me, when every soul has turned their back to my desperation, I will stand though none stand with me.