Older Brother Syndrome

I suffer from older brother syndrome. If you know me, yes, I'm an only child. I don't have any secret siblings. I'm referring to the older brother in the "Parable of the Prodigal Son" from Luke 15. I've heard tens of sermons preached on the prodigal son where the focus is the younger son who takes his inheritance and leaves. I'll be prompted towards the end of the sermon to evaluate my life and if I need to "come home." To be honest, most times I'm sitting there trying to make a case against myself how I've spiritually "run away" when I haven't. I've heard maybe a few sermons preached on the older brother. I just read a whole chapter of a book, Experiencing Father's Embrace by Jack Frost, that focuses on the older brother. Not that I can judge everyone's heart, but after reading it, I feel like more Christians and churches have older brother syndrome than younger brother syndrome, but he is never the brother of topic. So, I'm simply going to explain briefly a view at the concept of "Older Brother Syndrome" as presented in the book and my experience relating to it.

The first time we hear of the older brother in Luke 15 is in verse 25. He is working in the field. When he hears of what the cause is for the music and dancing, he becomes angry and doesn't go in to celebrate with his father and younger brother. How many times have we been bitter or jealous at someone else's success? I'm going to be transparent here, and it won't be pretty. I felt like that often through my teenage years and even into my early adulthood - if you know how old I am, yes, that was until very recently. In church, I felt this unspoken competitive spirit against other Christians in the church. Not always, but sometimes. I wasn't able to experience complete joy in my brothers' and sisters' successes because of where my heart was at. For example, if someone else became good at something I was also good at, it felt like a threat. It felt like a threat because I feared not being needed. I feared being replaced. I feared not being good enough. Why was this? Because I didn't understand how God's love worked. 
"There is nothing you can do to be loved by Him any more than you already are. And there is nothing you can do to lessen His love." 
I hadn't experienced that. I hadn't come to the understanding that it didn't matter what I did at church: God still loved me the same. He loved me the same if I went faithfully every Sunday, was part of the worship team, and served in the nursery, or if I came in once a month and was never involved. My performance does not change His feelings towards me. I can't make Him love me less by sinning and I can't make Him love me more by serving. His love is unconditional. Period. 

I never realized I was affected by the older brother syndrome until I recently read this chapter and looked back. I've compared how I operated in church 2 years ago to where I am today. Today, I can go to church and leave without serving, tithing... anything! And I don't feel guilty or condemned. I can go to church, serve in the nursery, bring my tithe, and know I'm not better than anyone else. I don't feel an obligation to be somewhere or do something anymore. Now when I serve or participate in an outreach, it is because I desire to. I want to. Another problem with older brother syndrome is that you subconsciously require of other people the standard you've put on yourself. When I was operating in performance mode, I felt as if I couldn't miss a church event. If I wasn't in class or at work, I felt obligated to go even if I had things to do like homework. I should plan ahead and do my homework some other time, right? I mean, after all, I'm only a "good" Christian if I'm at all the church events every time I'm free. Because of thinking this way, I put pressure on others to do the same. I would enthusiastically invite others, not that there wasn't any sincere joy and excitement, but then internally be disappointed or judgmental if they couldn't make it. Performance and law don't leave room for "I'm busy" or "I just need to stay home and rest today." They require perfection and leave no room for grace. 

As I'm still recovering from older brother syndrome and learning to operate out of sincere love and desire that overflows from my relationship with God, I have to make sure I examine my motives simply to make sure I am operating out of love rather than obligation. I have to put aside insecurity and the fear that I will be judged for not going to a church event. Thankfully, I'm blessed to be in a church environment where I know I'm not being judged at all . This allows me to live freely, and when you live freely, there is joy in doing. 

Maturity in Relationships

I can say no to God. He can say no to me. And we can still love each other the same. No, I'm not recommending disobedience. I'm trying to express this new found freedom in relationship. We've all heard that we should have relationship with God, but how many people actually operate out of that? I'd guess not very many. Instead we pray to God as if we're reading off a checklist and He's some distant person that we owe for giving us salvation. But, we don't operate this way because we want to. We just don't know another way. 

Recently I've been reading the book Boundaries by Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend, and today I read a chapter that talks about boundaries between myself and God. It was enlightening and thought-provoking. They presented the same idea I did above (except more intellectually and thoroughly). We are in relationship with God. Now, some of our conflicts in relationship with Him have more than likely come from imperfect human relations. For example, if we have experienced, whether one deeply impacting instance or a culture of encounters, abandonment or punishment when we expressed our "no" to someone, we will naturally be fearful of telling God no simply because we'll assume subconsciously that God will either abandon us, or He'll punish us for saying no. God will do neither of these. As I said before, I'm not condoning disobedience, we can rest assured if we tell God "no" about something, He's promised "I will never leave you, nor forsake you," and He won't punish us. Unfortunately, most of us have experienced someone who has withdrawn their love or the relationship entirely when we expressed our boundaries through telling them "no." And as a result, we've falsely attributed that characteristic to God: that He will leave us and not be our Friend or Father if we tell Him no. While it's true He won't leave or punish us, I do believe He'll let us deal with the consequences of our decision whether good or bad. One example the authors gave of this was the prodigal son. His father gave him his inheritance, respected his "no", let him suffer the consequences of his decision, but lovingly welcomed him home when he returned. This son was honest with his father, and his father respected that. On the other hand, the other son said yes to his father, but it is clear that his heart said no because he was angry. He was dishonest with his father rather than being sincere in expressing how he truly felt. Honesty is always the best policy in relationship. 

On the flip side, God is allowed to tell us no. He told Jesus no when Jesus asked if there was any other way for Him to die and bring salvation to the world. When God tells us no, we need the maturity, as in any relationship, to accept His boundary and yet not become angry with Him. He has the right, as well as we all do, to say no and draw a line for Himself. 

I could go on and on about this concept. There is so much freedom in relationship when people (or God) have the maturity to accept no and say no. It brings life and security to the friendship. If you can't say no, I'd encourage you to practice. If you can't accept no from someone, I'd encourage you to work on that also. Life is a process, and I'm still learning and growing in both! 

The Overflow Ramblings

This is a post for 2 reasons: 1. because I am discouraged by the many Christians I know who are not excited about God's love and 2. because I am overflowing with excitement, joy, and gratitude for what Jesus has done.

Every Christmas season the reality of what God brought us becomes sweeter to me. But, with the recent season I've went through and the new season I have just begun, I cannot think of any reason why Christians, followers of Christ, should not be beaming with love and joy! While I don't understand it, I have been there. I've been a Christian and not felt joyful, or peaceful, or thankful, or at all connected to the reality of what our Father God has done for us. Even in hindsight, I'm not quite sure how my attitude has shifted, but there is definitely one action on my part that has changed that could be the key. Worship.

This past year I've probably spent more of my quiet time just worshiping than I have in the prior 3 years all together. And it has made a HUGE impact on my relationship with God and my perspective of Jesus. I'm coming to realize that I used to try and have relationship through discipline. I would think, "Oh, if I can just read my Bible every day for at least 30 minutes, I will have a good relationship with God." And for me personally, I was being legalistic in my heart - thinking that a rule could make me righteous and would give me a "better" relationship with God, as if just spending time with Him wasn't enough, as if I had to be perfectly disciplined to be acceptable. 
As I began worshiping more in my quiet time, I found myself more aware throughout the day of the Holy Spirit and being in communication with God more. I found my perspective being aligned with His. I found that it was when I was worshiping and focusing solely on Him, that He would speak to me and tell me anything I needed to hear. I've realized when I just sit in His presence and soak it in, He shows me how much more love He has to give that I can't even comprehend. 

Jesus is so good. And I'm discouraged by the many Christians I see living in bondage to discipline, rules, others' opinions, or simply their own fear. Satan has taken too much ground... He is NOT that powerful. He is NOT strong. Let's shout in his face how much bigger Jesus is! I want to see followers of Christ being free in who God made them, free in expression of their love for Him, and free to love and follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. And if you're struggling, I'd encourage you to spend time in worship - spend time dwelling on who God is and who Jesus is. I promise it will become more amazing each time. Father God has offered us complete freedom - too great a gift for Christians to be living in fear and therefore being self-focused, instead of sharing and loving on others. 

Worship Me In The Secret Place

This week was rough for me spiritually, and I couldn't figure out why. I was struggling a lot yet I was reading my Bible, praying, and spending time in God's presence daily. Yesterday and today were wonderful, but to be honest, I'm not sure what turned it around; I didn't change anything.
Most of the time, people will say if you're struggling spiritually, "Well, God hasn't moved so it must be you." I'm not quite sure that was what happened this week though. From the bottom of my heart I can sincerely say I hadn't moved from God and back to Him. But one thing I do know is this: it is righteous for us to worship Him when we don't feel like it. It is right for us to worship Him when we don't have the energy. It is right for us to worship Him just because it delights His heart. It is right for us to sing to Him because He is good. After we've gone through difficult times yet we've still worshiped Him just the same as if we were high on life, He does a transformation in us that cannot be achieved any other way.
Today I was worshiping on my own and I just heard God say, "Worship me in the secret place." Initially, I kind of though, "Well, I am right now God?" But then I just heard it over and over anyways. It is vital to our spiritual life that we worship Him in our own private time. There is a spiritual wall that is broken down when we worship God full-out when no one else is around. It delights Him. He desires for us to desire Him. He longs for us to want to worship Him and please Him. We weren't called to be Christians that worship God on Sunday mornings only. Yes, we worship God in all that we do if we're obeying Him, but there is a release in singing to Him in the secret place. There's a connection and a spiritual strength He gives when we desire to worship Him when we're alone. So I'd challenge you, if you don't already do this, worship God in the secret place; give Him your attention and your affection when no one else is around. And tell Him how good and how beautiful He is.

Lord, What Have We Done?

*The following is a writing that was on my heart after reading a few chapters in The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis. Of the complaints I have, please know I am not considering myself blameless in the slightest. I know I'm imperfect and do some of the very things I'm rejecting here, but I believe in God's grace to forgive me and show me when I'm wrong. I won't ever be perfect. I hope this will not be something to make people feel guilty, but will rather be an encouragement to be more like Jesus! 

Lord, what have we done?
Seeing and mocking those who don't know You - those who are lost
Not with direct slander, but with subtle comments and the absence of love in our hearts
People will excuse themselves, but You will not

No, it's never okay to even make a representation of someone should it come out as if they're inferior
And Satan, with great success, has convinced the church that if we don't make direct comments or don't hurt their feelings, then it's okay, it's just "the truth"

But the truth is Jesus never called anyone out or spoke poorly of them
And rather than just allowing them to shamefully enter the church,
He sought them out
Lord, what have we done?

We argue and debate theology before ever doing the Great Commission
We hand out tracks before we hand out food and judge a person's appearance before simply realizing they  need to see You
Lord, what have we done?

When selecting our leaders, we judge their past before we examine their hearts, completely disregarding that you call us a new creation in Christ
Lord, what have we done?

Let us not turn from or later verbalize our disgust - instead let us go to the drunkard, the idolater, and every outsider with love and compassion and mercy and grace
Let us not allow our brothers and sisters in Christ to behave in these ways - that we wouldn't judge one another in our hearts but confront one another with love
Let us not reach the end of our life and regrettably utter, Lord, what have we done?

Tristen

Today Jameson and I went to the park, and I made a new friend. His name is Tristen. He is 3 years old, but he told me proudly, "I'll be 4 in September!"
Children amaze me. Their joy, their openness, and the freedom they have to be themselves.
The reason I decided to play with my new friend tonight was because he was by himself with his grandpa, and I figured it'd be more fun for him if he had someone to play with. We were sitting by a hill and he began walking up the big stairs by himself. I said, "Can I climb up the stairs with you?" He replied without hesitation, "Sure!" And that's where our friendship began.
Why can't adults be that way? Why are we so judgmental before even knowing a person or have preconceived notions about what they'll be like? I know I'm not perfect at this either, but it's worth working on and admitting that it needs work.
Tristen and I would walk up the stairs and then roll down the hill in the grass. Over and over. He didn't get tired of it. Then we took turns chasing each other's shadows. After that, we worked together to "attack" Jameson.
And something about a child allows you to be free... to be yourself, without fearing judgment. There is an acceptance children offer. You can be yourself; you can be silly; you can let your imagination run wild; and you can be free.
When it was time to go, Tristen didn't want to leave. He fought with his "Papa." To help since I felt slightly responsible, I asked him to race me to the truck. Eventually my new friend said bye without a pouty face, but instead with a smile. He told me they go to the park every week and he wants us to play together a lot there.
One of my goals, or at least strives in life, is to pursue a childlike attitude and perspective. Always. I want to have joy unaffected by others' pessimism; imagination not hindered by the possibility of appearing foolish; innocence untouched despite a corrupt world; forgiveness without exceptions; and love for others that knows no bounds.

Confusing Callings

The worst feeling is knowing what God has told you to do and feeling like you misheard or misrepresented Him. You know, those times when God has very clearly told you to do something or shared something with you, and when you share it, people think you're absolutely ridiculous? That's okay. It is definitely a struggle when you have no support for something you know God has clearly told you. There are even times when other Christians don't support you, disregarding the fact that you heard it from God. Which seems quite ironic when you think about it... that those who hold the same beliefs as you would look at you like you're crazy when you share what God has told you to do or what He's shared with you. And it's always discouraging. Those people, the ones who believe and trust in the same God, don't accept that you've been told something. That has always made me question if it was right. "Well, if my Christian family and friends don't think this is what God wants for me, is this what He really told me?" But, God is showing me we should question others' opinions before we question what God has told us. 

I've been reading in Exodus. If you don't know the background, the Israelites are slaves to the Egyptians. The Israelites had been crying for help. 

Years passed, and the king of Egypt died. But the Israelites continued to groan under their burden of slavery. They cried out for help, and their cry rose up to God. God heard their groaning, and he remembered his covenant promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He looked down on the people of Israel and knew it was time to act. Exodus 2:23-25

God then reveals to Moses that He will set the Israelites free from the Egyptians, and Moses is the one God is going to send to Pharaoh and the one who will lead the Israelites out of Egypt. After a conversation with God about not feeling qualified, Moses is going to do what the Lord has asked of him. Moses and Aaron go to Pharaoh and tell Pharaoh that the Lord has commanded he let the Israelites go, but Pharaoh refuses. 

Now onto how this relates to what I began with:

It isn't surprising that Pharaoh refuses to let the Israelites go (1. because he wouldn't have slaves and 2. because God already decided to harden his heart {Exodus 4:21}), but what is surprising is that the Israelites are not even supportive of Moses. I would assume the Israelites would be ecstatic and supportive if God told Moses He would set the Israelites free. But they aren't. In Exodus 5:21, the Israelite foremen said to Moses and Aaron, "May the Lord judge and punish you for making us stink before Pharaoh and his officials. You have put a sword into their hands, an excuse to kill us!" To me that's a little harsh for someone who is trying to save them. 

So Moses returns to God and asks why... Moses is looking for reassurance for what the Lord has told him. And God, so patiently, repeats to Moses what He is going to do and assures Moses that he will lead the Israelites out of Egypt. 

Moses, like us, brings up to God the fact that no one is supporting him. Even those who will benefit from what God is going to do through him aren't supporting him. Moses says in 6:12, "But Lord! My own people won't listen to me anymore. How can I expect Pharaoh to listen? I'm such a clumsy speaker!" So on top of not having any support, Moses is awful at public speaking. 

God sometimes calls us to things we aren't necessarily ready to do and sometimes without any support. We have to be ready to be strong in the Lord and do what He says despite other people. Our support is God's voice and assurance in what He's told us. And like Moses, maybe in the world's eyes we aren't even qualified to do what God has asked of us. But, I've heard this quote before and I agree with it: "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called." (In my opinion, it's better that way because it's easier to stay humble when we don't feel adequate.)

You won't always have the support and encouragement from family and friends when God asks something "big" or "extreme" of you. But what is most important is that you're assured in your heart of what the Lord has asked and that you're faithful to it. Don't let the environment or circumstances around you change what you know you heard God speak. He is faithful to our obedience, and He always does what He promises when we hold up our end of the bargain. 

Don't be afraid to stand alone. God is standing there with you if He told you to do it, and He will walk with you through it which is better than having any person for support.